“I’m a 42 year old man and my tits are out of control!” Glenn, from Wilmington, CA, recently stated in an interview. “I am speaking out today to warn all craft beer drinkers of this debilitating issue. It started out with my children making fun of my jiggly pecs, but I just thought it was kids being kids. I did wonder who taught my 6 year old the term ‘B*tch Tits,’ but he is very advanced for his age. It all came crashing down, though, when my wife wanted to motor boat me as a part of our foreplay. I hate my tits…”
Little did Glenn know, this is a growing phenomenon among avid craft beer drinkers and is compounded by the already well-known, “Brewers Droop.” Brewer’s Droop is the common side effect of alcohol over-consumption, better known as “Whiskey Dick,” which Glenn vehemently denies ever happening to him.
How does craft beer give dudes man-boobs? It all starts with the the high amounts of phytoestrogen, estrogen for plants, found in hops. Craft beer, particularly the ever popular IPA, has lots and lots of hops. The hoppier the beer, the more phytoestrogen it contains. This hormone is responsible for breast tissue growth as well as lactation. That means tough decisions for male craft beer drinkers everywhere. Do you keep drinking the oh-so-delicious elixir at the risk of growing a couple of cup sizes in your breast area?
Glenn has decided to embrace the change. He loves his IPA so much that he recently made a pilgrimage to Nordstrom (not the Rack…the nice one) and bought three over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders, or as he has taken to calling them, Manssieres.
Upon further research, our investigators discovered that not only does craft beer contain phytoestrogen but coffee and Marijuana also contains levels of this hormone. Levels! We can’t in good conscience recommend that you cut out craft beer, coffee AND marijuana, so we advise craft beer drinking men to embrace the change, just like Glenn has.
Next week look for part two of this series, “Women Should Drink More Craft Beer….Like, All The Time.”
– Ralph